Why is it so cold these past few days? I was all set to ride my bike with meteorological impunity, a casual aloofness that I should sport like a bonnet, a ducal bonnet bereft of worldly concerns except for those douchebags who can't parallel park, but instead I spent today watching my hands turn into ABS plastic as I rode the short distance to work, knuckles as white as toilet-paper and ribs refusing to heave and let me inhale fully. And my eyes tear up to protect themselves from the stinging dessication, and the water wobbles just across my pupils to make everthing look like a Jackson Pollack "painting" after popping quaaludes. Furthermore my jeans are juuuuuust loose enough to allow the air to flow up my legs and turn my genitals into a bag of frozen peas and carrots.

I want an electric blanket for my bike. I know there are people who can wire it up somewhere. Or maybe just a heating pad, for my balls you see. Not one of those ridiculous HD-branded heated seats that cost as much as a couch and take 30 minutes to warm up, I want one I can roll up or something and tie around my belly if I want some toasty nipples or whatnot. I need to figure this out.