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gonna need a mighty big chalkboard

Here are some rules I spent that precious tranquil morning period I call "waiting on the gel to finish" writing that I would like to type up and enforce, should I ever be in charge of a college-level biology class outright (this will never actually happen though, the idea of such is preposterous and spending time thinking on it is a waste of largely-underpaid labor):

-Fill the goddamn rows from the center towards the aisles, nobody wants to clamber over your legs
-No food, no krinkly candy, you sound like my dog digging in the trash and this isn't lunchtime (note: if it IS lunchtime you were foolish to schedule a class at this time)
-No leaving trash/cups/whatever in class.  I collected several graphing calculators in college by hanging around after class and checking desks.
-If you are going to leave early, sit next to the doors so you don't 'discreetely' bumble your way across the row and block my powerpoint.
-I penalize anything remotely resembling plaigarism MERCILESSLY so if you think you got caught doing it, just go ahead and stop showing up to class.
-Don't arrive more than 10 minutes (maybe 5) late for class, I will ask you to leave and make sure everyone knows who you are.
-Turn off your cellphone ringer, I hate that shit and so help me I'll bring a cellphone jammer if you don't.
-If you don't really want to be here PLEASE don't come, and if you do PLEASE sit in the back so I don't have to watch you check your email or horoscope or scratch your unshowered freshman scrotum.
-If you ask a question please ask it loudly so I don't have to repeat what you said into the microphone.  And raise your hand first, I have a lapel mic on and I will turn up the volume and shout your presumptuous ass right back into that squeaky chair.
-I assign an extra homework and an extra exam so you can drop your lowest scores, so don't ask for make-ups if you missed one (try some WAKE-UPs instead, lazy)
-If your homework is late, don't bring it in.  If you drop off your homework and leave class early, I will fish it out of the stack and tear it up.
-Check the class webpage for any changes or additions to anything, I host that shit on my own server because the biology department servers are made in Taiwan and also apparently from rice paper and dreams.  That costs me valuable space and keeps me up at night wondering if any of you will try to crack your way into my filthy anime cat-girl porno FTP stash, so if something's important I put it on the website and I won't be repeating it.
-Bring drinks if you want, but don't slurp them for christ's sake, 44 ounces is only a buck at Texaco, just buy another one.  And don't leave those condensation rings on the desks for the next poor sap to ruin his homework on (PS I will be taking off points for wet homework)
-Don't pack up your trendy little messenger bags before class is over or I will start making important announcements with the microphone off while you do it.
-I will probably leave an mp3 digital recorder running while I lecture, so if your question sucks, the next 5 years of students will laugh at it. However if I through some stroke of bad luck (undoubtedly your fault) fuck up my lecture I will delete the file.
-I will sometimes call on students to answer questions to stall for time if I am running short or need to reboot my laptop, so if you don't want to be called on, please DON'T pretend to be doing writing an looking away from me because I will pick you first you little cowards.  In fact I may call on the kids with speech impediments and the foreigners just to give me more time.
-If I say something in my lecture and you raise your hand to argue with me, I will begin grilling you like a dissertation defense until you crack.  I didn't just copy this shit out of the Houghton-Mifflin "textbook" (term used loosely) that the university made you buy, I had this shit dripping on my labcoat when your parents were still wearing FUBU and trucker hats.
-If you buy a laptop to use during class please buy one without the click-CLACK keyboards and learn to type from the fingers instead of the elbows, otherwise you'll sound like a kid shaking a pillowcase of chicklets in a rainstorm.  Also, be prepared for everyone to stare at your screen and read your email when you check it.
-I keep office hours because if I don't, my graduate students won't stop bothering me in the lab, so please only come bother me at that time (when I'm playing FreeCell and looking for an excuse not to write my grant), because if you come to my lab my grad students have learned to throw elbows to get into the conversation and I instructed my lab manager to dump all the cokes out of the BSL2 room when she sees someone she doesn't recognize in the lab
-I will give you a letter of reference at the end of the course, if you got an A or a B in the course.  Actually I will write you one no matter what you got, but I won't let you look at it, and you really wouldn't want it anyway.
-Don't call me 'Mister' and I won't call you 'grunt'.  Fair enough?
-I'll have my TA proctoring the exams and collecting the homework and he's a graduate student.  Any extra work you make him do in reading and grading your work will probably prompt him to find errors you (and I) didn't know were possible to take points off for.
-I post my cellphone number on the facult webpage because the department wants the secretary to know it for an emergency, and it's posted on the BSL2 emergency contact form on my lab door in case meteors crash through the ceiling.  So help me God if ONE OF YOU calls that number to talk to me I will make you empty out my liquid nitrogen tank with a metal teaspoon bare-handed.


I'm sure that's more than enough to ensure the students all would hate me.    But I'd rather they hate me than me hate them.

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Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
just_the_ash
Mar. 16th, 2006 12:35 am (UTC)
I love you.

Email me (the address in my info works) and tell me what sort of arts you are considering, although I don't think I can top Pshaw's motorcyclist skunk.
mrcougar
Mar. 16th, 2006 06:15 am (UTC)
damm the skunk hath spoken! hehhhee if they dont call you mister what do they call you?
floyd_mephit
Mar. 16th, 2006 04:53 pm (UTC)
They can call me Doctor or Professor if in fact I am one. And assumedly I would be if I were ballsy enough to post a list like that..
rubberkeyhole
Dec. 20th, 2006 09:48 pm (UTC)
*clapping*

the last one is hilarious (they all are, but that one takes the cake!!)!!
dreadpirateange
Dec. 21st, 2006 06:13 am (UTC)
You are like a Dr. Cox of lectures. Marry me! :-P
ghoulia
Oct. 2nd, 2008 09:58 pm (UTC)
I was going through my memories and discovered this entry. I'm just stopping by to say, thanks for writing this...I'm currently student teaching to become a middle school teacher and it's funny how many of these behaviors are similar to my 12 year olds.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )