Mephitis mephitis, Philosophiæ Doctor (floyd_mephit) wrote,
Mephitis mephitis, Philosophiæ Doctor

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Further Forays in Phallic Food Fun

Grilled Asparagus Mild

1 bunch asparagus (as wrapped at the grocery)
.75 tbsp salt
2 tsp black pepper
2 dashes mustard powder
.25-.5 tsp marjoram

Grilled Asparagus Less Mild

.5-1 bunch asparagus
.5 tbsp salt
2 tsp black pepper
.25 tsp paprika
2 dashes cayenne
1 dash Mrs. Dash

Basically, as I'm sure public school has failed to prepare you to hear, green vegetables are good for you and can be eaten all by themselves without the need for a breaded coating.  So, I'm giving you here a couple of recipes I made myself (you can tell by the simplicity and the inclusion of Mrs Dash as an ingredient), the first of which I tested tonight along with a couple of steaks.  The procedure is as simple as taking a piss, which for 2 days you'll be doing with your nose over the bowl to remind you of how love mother earth and didn't have to kill any animals to make your dinner (unless you count Mrs. Dash as animal, which I do because she screws like a cat in heat).  You should keep your asparagus in a sealed ziplock in  the fridge until you eat it, maybe with a barely-damp Brawny in there to give them a little spa facial or something -- but don't leave it in there too many days or it'll look like it got into the mudbath.  I'd say just maybe 4 days tops before asparagus begins getting mushy like a bundle wrap of jolly green giant canker sore penises. 

So take them out and rinse them in the faucet while still bound, then let the water drain and shake it off a few times, to remove almost (but not all) of the water, then lay them all out in  parallel on some sort of clean surface (preferably something like a cookie sheet) and dust them with the ingredients above, with spiciness in accordance with the number of fingers you use to hold your dick when you piss (me I use all of them, and if I'm lucky someone else lends a hand too).  Actually, even the Mild version of this one will get your tongue tingling from the black pepper when it gets activated by the heat, so if you like really mild just add the pepper after the grilling.  So like I was saying, dust the asparagus with all of the spices, rolling the stalks over and getting their backside spiced up too (and don't we all like a little of that on the weekends).  I concentrate the dust on the tip because there's more surface area to adsorb the particles. 

Now, preheat the grill on high for a couple of minutes and then, just before you lay the stalks on the upper rack (this allows more dessication and less charring) in a single layer evenly across the surface, turn the gas down to low.  You can spray Pam on the grill surface if you want to, but I've never found it necessary and it tends to prevent good dehydration (and Mrs. Dash really spreads those legs best when she's not fighting Pam to coat the stalks).  Let the asparagus sit in there for 5 minutes and then push it around on the rack a little bit, but don't try to flip it or it'll invariably go flopping down between the grates and out of your life forever.  Let it sit for another 3 minutes and then take it out gently, with those scallop-ended tongs or maybe a metal spatula (don't try those loop-ended tongs or you'll lose about half of your crop), and put it all onto a plate.  The stalks will be about half as thick and darker, and hopelessly floppier than your worst whiskey-dick.  But, they will taste at least twice as good.

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