April 24th, 2009


..But can you guac the guac

Guacamole is something I always passed on at the Mexican restaurants when we went out in my childhood, because it was green and not definitely a solid or a liquid. It was kind of an afterthought on the plate (or rather the lack of afterthought, as if someone had sneezed on the plate and forgot to wipe it off). But in Galveston I went to a fancy Tex/Mex joint or two, and had it prepared right in front of me by an entrepeneurial fat woman, and it really did taste pretty good. So I from time to time make it for myself and can suck down a whole bag of tostitos easily if I don't watch myself.

Guacamole from Galvatraz

2 Haas avacados, preferably quite ripe, although if one is less so that's okay
.5 of a medium-sized white onion, or maybe a little over half a cup
1 lime, medium to small-sized
1 jalapeno pepper, or maybe a scotch bonnet if you are more fond of ice-water than guacamole
1 medium to medium-small tomato (don't substitute canned for this or it'll go down like a bowl of pureed abortion pieces)
1 clove garlic
.25-.5 tsp salt (if you're using salty chips, you can just leave this out or you'll be sucking down the Dos Equis. If you're sucking down dos equus though, you'll have a whole different saltiness to deal with..)
.25 tsp black pepper
0-4 stalks fresh cilantro (I don't use it because I always forget, but it's tasty)

Circumcise the avocados lengthwise with a paring knife and pop out the seeds for your kid's science fair. Score the meat down to the skin every quarter-inch or so in both orientations and then scoop out the green with a big spoon into a heavy glass bowl. Cut the lime in half and squeeze it all into the bowl and mix a little to prevent the mush from getting brown (nobody eats shit-colored guacamole), and then use the spoon or a silicone spatula to smear and chop the pieces into a proper half-chunk/half-guidge consistency. Quarter the tomato and slice out the seeds, run under water, and then dice it all and add. Do the same with the onion and garlic (make the garlic much more fine than the onion), and add the salt and pepper, and for cilantro don't leave the stems in there, pull off the leaves before you cut it up. The jalapeno can be barely hot at all if you cut all the seeds and white parts out, or more spicy (but not that much) if you don't. Either way, just cut it all to hell and add.

Mix for about 30 seconds with your spatula, but not too much because if you do, it'll be like melty ice-cream and you'll think you're back at Taco Day in the middle school cafeteria. Guacamole is best when it's raw and heterogenous, so that you can mush part of it on your tongue and crunch part of it on your teeth. You can let it sit for 10 minutes at room temp with some saran wrap on top to let the flavors mix, but that's retarded and so are you if you fall for that line. Just eat it, right in the bowl ringed with chips. If there's leftovers, cover with saran wrap actually forming a skin on the mush and keep 4 degrees no more than overnight and throw it out after that.