September 7th, 2006


a long room

When I was a little kid I used to get these strange lucid nightmares that would only happen when I was feeling very guilty about something (usually something I did), and it would make everything seem as if the focal point on a zoom lens was being changed rapidly in front of me so that everything was getting farther and farther away.  I would be kind of stuck in some kind of slow-fade backwards and it felt as if I was being pressed upon by atmosphere or whatnot.  I could tell it wasn't a sleeping dream but I could never shake it except by getting up and turning the lights on, and forcing a change in everything in my environment.  If I didn't, I would regress and fall endlessly into some kind of mind-pit;  as I fell back I would get some kind of sense of panic or fear and dread that made me want to run, but I was kind of like a deer in headlights there, and I felt like I deserved to feel that way because of whatever I did (sometimes years before).  I slowly stopped getting those waking dreams after my dad died, but I guess I still get them time to time.  I almost got it last night but I felt it encroach and was kind of shocked to learn that I still had such a habit.  I wonder if I did something to feel guilty about..?