Mephitis mephitis, Philosophiæ Doctor (floyd_mephit) wrote,
Mephitis mephitis, Philosophiæ Doctor

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The itch from which all itches were wrought

My sunburn was worse than I initially thought it was. I was itching in little tiny spots for a second, and then it would go away. Then another spot like mad, and then vanish. I finally gave in and scratched and AWWWWWW yeah I felt better... but then some kind of neutron bomb of itch went off on my back and all of the sudden I was itching everywhere AND JESUS FUCK GOD AAAAA STOP I went fucking APE SHIT. I couldn't stop the itching and I couldn't reach my back and it hurt too much to scratch it anyway, but it was a feeling I couldn't describe; I'm getting fidgety just recalling it. I started screaming and howling and the veins in my forehead were turgid from all the adrenalin I was gushing. I tore my clothes off and threw them all over the apartment as I ran around naked just howling and whooping and cursing like the anti-pope with a stubbed toe. I was grabbing things off of the floor and beating them over my shoulder onto my sunburned back like one of those self-flagellating monks, but on PCP. Finally I realized I couldn't get this itch to go away by merely running things across and into my back and I decided I would just scald my skin until the nerve endings numbed over, so I ran itching and cursing and freaking out into the bathroom where I turned on the faucet full blast hot and stomped into the tub.

Somewhere in my mind, waaay in the back I was watchng myself go through this naked flip-out and thinking, "jeezus, this retard is going completely BONKERS over here." However, as the scalding hot water jetted onto my sunburned back I realized that, hey, MY PREVIOUS LEVEL OF BONKERS WAS IN FACT CRUMPETS AND A CUP OF EARL GREY COMPARED TO THE BONKERS I WAS NOW ABOUT TO EMBARK ON. I had previously only let hot water (hotter than normal skin can stand) get onto a sunburn before and as is expected I went 'ouch christ' and recoiled. But full-force 120 degree-plus water onto what was in part a second-degree burn was a whole new experience. Needless to say I just about crapped myself and fainted dead away from the pain. But, as I had planned (as much as a person can really be credited with planning as he runs naked and headlong screaming around his apartment), My skin became almost instantly numb where the scald had coursed through me. I kept turning my back around to scald more of it and thereby kill the itch the fucking itch that was covering my back. After a few seconds my screams turned to shuddered gasps like in every third scene in the old Dragonball Z cartoons, and then finally to sighs of relief as I just stood there in the shower unable to see from the steam billowing out of the showerhead. After I felt no more itch (and basically nothing at all) on my back I dried off and layed down on the bed and passed out.

I am still completely dumbfounded as to what the hell happened. But I feel completely justified in suggesting that it burned off like 6 months of hell.

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