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to the last drop

Do they make a K-Y powder?  no?  then I'm not going on any more plane trips ever again.  You people need your precious water and insulin and coca-cola, do you?  Well, I need my dick lubricant, the bottles of 10-year-old urine I drink to keep my vitality, and carburator cleaner.  Nobody's rallying behind our rights to carry that stuff in our carry-on, are they?  Where's our CNN gallup poll asking how many people are going to stop flying this month because our ability to carry go-gurt tubes full of bubbly diarrhea is curtailed?  Some people may have medical needs for carrying a bottle of clean, pure, New Jersey spring water on the plane, an oasis in that arid expanse of time between the first and second passes of the drink cart, it's true, but what about my medical need for carrying such unpalatable and acrid liquids such as my doubleshot-caffeinated Starbucks, Uncle Shep's mud-butt tonic, and Mountain Dew?  And what of our bulemic sisters, who tote their tupperware warm with binge-vomit in their Burberry knock-off purses like we all envy them for.  What would they have us do -- put it in our CHECKED luggage, where we would be forced to rely on the liquids, gels, and perhaps plasmas sold or given away ubiquitously throughout the airport and planes? 

This surely is liquidism in its worst form (which is of course a form of phasism affecting perhaps more than TWO THIRDS of the earth itself and surely THREE QUARTERS of every American citizen) and such prejudice belongs in baby-smashing Lebanon or no-beer Iran (just try getting a venti mocha frappuchino there, people).  In fact, those countries are kind of arid.. kind of dry..  is it possible, nay, infallibly certain, that the Terrorists are trying to squeeze the moisture out of our airports not because they hate our breadth of choice in Icee flavors, but because they want to dry us into a dessicated husk of a country to facilitate our conversion into their own thirsty, barren landscape?  Is this the first step in a vast climate-control scheme to defraud the USA of what we love most -- wetness?  Do they hate the Gulf stream that much?

I say fight the TSA for the rights of the poor bastards who were duped into buying the new Pepsi, the foreign weirdos who drink grass jelly drink, the soy-drinking vegans and the Bawls-drinking virgins, for not only do we have to drink to live, but we also have to buy overpriced poor-tasting swill to fit in, and  on occasion we have to freak people the fuck out with our nasty nasty body habits.  Because, citizens -  we are not simply working for the superfluous comfort of those of us who (through their own misdeeds, undoubtedly) came down with kidney failure and hereditary diabetes, we are struggling for the very survival of what we hold dear -- our travel-size bottles of Head&Shoulders and our world-famous high dew points.