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Plans for the weekend

I realized that this weekend is Easter and every Easter I have to go to church with my mother, wearing nice clothes that I've outgrown and sitting all fidgety in the pew trying to hold conversations with my sister in sign language. And then we'll go and eat somewhere undoubtedly and have to sit in some looong easter crowd line waiting to eat some fancified golden corral-style buffet.

I don't even want to go home, just for that. I'll have to go home again for my birthday because it's it's the same day as mother's day this year, and again for my sister's graduation. I was talking to her on the phone (as I am obligated to do each week, though I never have anything to say and am hate long phone conversations) and kind of realized how little I care what goes on anywhere anymore, especially in Baton Rouge, and how poor I am at gauging how what I say will sound to ohers. I just have lost most of the tact that I once had (though I didn't have THAT much to begin with). My mother was wondering why my friends have not visited me since I moved here, and I kind of realized in my reply that I didn't really care anymore if they ever visited or not. It was a strange feeling to think that I wasn't interested in seeing them anymore, and even moreso that I wasn't interested in seeing her either. She hasn't visited since I moved here (around 2 years now) and though she will in a few weeks, it's ancillary to the engagement that is really bringing her up (my cousin's bridal shower). I may be out of state then to attend an academic conference, and if it turns out I'll not have to go, I'll probably lie and say I am to avoid her coming to visit.

I am getting apathetic towards seeing my old friends and family more and more, and I'm not sure if it's because they couldn't be bothered to visit me in these two years while I returned to visit them dozens of times, or if it's because of something else. I get angry merely thinking about it and while I used to find time to drive the 5 hours each way as often as I could to see them for a day and a half, now I look for reasons not to go. I love my truck and taking long drives (hours and hours is one of my favorite things), but since my dog died and my music player is broken, I am only dreading the journey.

It's a good thing work and school keep me so busy, because it's pretty much all I've got going here and likely all i will have until I get finished. After that, I have really no clue. I used to say I wouldn't move far away for a job, wouldn't move out of the South because that's what I like and that's where everyone I know is, but now I don't care. I'll go where the best idea seems to be to go; I can be a hermit just as well in Montana or Sweden as I can be in Houston. I've gone back to not planning my life so much anymore. When I was a kid I used to plan on living to 100 because I wanted to outlive everyone; when I was a teenager I used to plan on dying before 40 because I was putting so much poison into myself and didn't see any point in wasting time living so long; when I was in college I planned every step of my life until everying to be done was done, because I had a forseeable future with a decent life; now in grad school I'm tired of planning and will take my shit as it comes. Okay, I'm done with this little essay now.

Comments

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mrcougar
Apr. 7th, 2004 01:03 pm (UTC)
Floyd I know what ya mean and understand. I finally whittled down what my true friends are, the ones who if I dont talk to for a month or so, they still call me or I call them and its not a one way friendship, as for the others..well they're closed chapters in my life now.

Being spontaneous is the best kept secret in life,who says you need a reason to do whatever it is you choose? those that live their lives by some "timeline" arent living, they're only surviving to satisfy others around them and tehy tend to be anal rententive always mapping out what to wear eat and do.
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